The Worst Spring Fashions for 2017
Spring looks are out in advertisements, fashion magazines, and articles on fashion blogs. And the news is bad, ladies.
Almost as a reflection of our national angst, spring fashion is dreary and almost self-loathing. Let me break it down.
If it’s unflattering on beautiful, thin, young models, what chance is there for my middle-aged butt? I have seen literal couches from West Elm that are better constructed and would be more flattering to my body.
Wide legs that un-flatter my figure–check!
Breaks at the fattest part of my calves for maximum leg width–check!
All that’s missing is an elastic waistband.
Beautiful Instagram lady, this is a look that only works on beautiful Instagram ladies.
I know you are right here with me, Meryl, and my friend Kim Ulmanis on this one. (Hat tip to Kim on this one.)
Yes, florals come around every spring, just like Influenza A. Usually it’s a fun and feminine way to break away from sweaters and plaid. This year seems different. Floral prints are busy and on a muddy, dark background.
Usually when deciding which floral print is best for you, scale the print to your size. For me this means flowers the size of dinner plates. Sadly this season designers have made florals un-fun.
Fashion editors also suggest pairing florals with neutrals and metalics. If by this they mean lighter fluid and a match, then yes!
Not even kidding, this dress was originally $350 from Tory Burch.
Floral Cropped Pants
Two horrible looks together create Soviet-level fashion. Perfect for either springtime in the gulag or waiting in line for toilet paper. What you wear when your rip-stop jogging suit from Chico’s is at the cleaners.
This Target video highlighting their new spring fashion collection of floral cropped pants came through my Facebook feed. Now they owe me for trauma therapy.
Also, you’re dead to me Lil Yachty.
I accept your feet in sandals. You’ve probably gone to some trouble with a pedicure and fresh polish. Booties are even better, since they completely hide your feet from me and also can really elongate the leg.
With open-toed booties, you lose the long line of booties, plus I have to look at your crusty Sea Monkey toes.
Sandal or bootie–pick one!
I get it that bejeweled Crocs were a provocative runway look, but don’t even make this a thing which exists in reality. I accept that Crocs have a time and place, but don’t you dare try to make them seem fashionable. Don’t. You. Dare.
Take me out into the field and put me down like Old Yeller. Kitten heels have come back around like that highschool ex who wants to reconnect on Facebook. Take my advice and ignore them both.
I knew these shoes just weren’t flattering, but I could never put my finger on it until I read this from Luvvie on kitten heels. Luvvie is younger, thinner, and cooler than me, so if she can’t make kitten heels right, no one can.
These particular kitten heel are by Ivanka Trump and sold on Amazon. I don’t normally talk politics, but however you feel about Ivanka, this is on her. But not literally, because she would never wear kitten heels.
Want to up your style game for spring? Enter my current giveaway for a $200 Michael Kors gift card. Not sure if he has kitten heels in his spring collection.