The Worst Spring Fashions for 2017
Spring looks are out in advertisements, fashion magazines, and articles on fashion blogs. And the news is bad, ladies.
Almost as a reflection of our national angst, spring fashion is dreary and almost self-loathing. Let me break it down.
Cropped Pants
If it’s unflattering on beautiful, thin, young models, what chance is there for my middle-aged butt? I have seen literal couches from West Elm that are better constructed and would be more flattering to my body.
Wide legs that un-flatter my figure–check!
Breaks at the fattest part of my calves for maximum leg width–check!
All that’s missing is an elastic waistband.
Beautiful Instagram lady, this is a look that only works on beautiful Instagram ladies.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BPTwFoMFuHR/
Florals
I know you are right here with me, Meryl, and my friend Kim Ulmanis on this one. (Hat tip to Kim on this one.)
Yes, florals come around every spring, just like Influenza A. Usually it’s a fun and feminine way to break away from sweaters and plaid. This year seems different. Floral prints are busy and on a muddy, dark background.
Usually when deciding which floral print is best for you, scale the print to your size. For me this means flowers the size of dinner plates. Sadly this season designers have made florals un-fun.
Fashion editors also suggest pairing florals with neutrals and metalics. If by this they mean lighter fluid and a match, then yes!
Not even kidding, this dress was originally $350 from Tory Burch.
Floral Cropped Pants
Two horrible looks together create Soviet-level fashion. Perfect for either springtime in the gulag or waiting in line for toilet paper. What you wear when your rip-stop jogging suit from Chico’s is at the cleaners.
This Target video highlighting their new spring fashion collection of floral cropped pants came through my Facebook feed. Now they owe me for trauma therapy.
Also, you’re dead to me Lil Yachty.
https://youtu.be/PMrfx8wubWc
Open-Toed Booties
I accept your feet in sandals. You’ve probably gone to some trouble with a pedicure and fresh polish. Booties are even better, since they completely hide your feet from me and also can really elongate the leg.
With open-toed booties, you lose the long line of booties, plus I have to look at your crusty Sea Monkey toes.
Sandal or bootie–pick one!
Upscale Crocs
I get it that bejeweled Crocs were a provocative runway look, but don’t even make this a thing which exists in reality. I accept that Crocs have a time and place, but don’t you dare try to make them seem fashionable. Don’t. You. Dare.
Kitten Heels
Take me out into the field and put me down like Old Yeller. Kitten heels have come back around like that highschool ex who wants to reconnect on Facebook. Take my advice and ignore them both.
I knew these shoes just weren’t flattering, but I could never put my finger on it until I read this from Luvvie on kitten heels. Luvvie is younger, thinner, and cooler than me, so if she can’t make kitten heels right, no one can.
These particular kitten heel are by Ivanka Trump and sold on Amazon. I don’t normally talk politics, but however you feel about Ivanka, this is on her. But not literally, because she would never wear kitten heels.
Want to up your style game for spring? Enter my current giveaway for a $200 Michael Kors gift card. Not sure if he has kitten heels in his spring collection.
These kinds of choices are why I usually stick to the same basic lines, fabrics, and designers. Linen never goes out of style and everyone looks classy in it. Kitten heels? No. Just no.
Kitten heels look like you just jumped up and down in stilettos until you ruined them.
Some of us love the look of a stiletto heel but have back problems…kitten heels can be cute and sexy…just need to find the right pair
I can definitely agree! I went shopping for another pair of dress pants the other day and all I could find were those crops!
I think about just giving up and wearing the same thing every day like Steve Jobs. He never had to worry about culottes.
Can’t wear cropped anything, never cropped pants because I am too short and too much junk in the trunk. I love florals but again the shortness makes it easy for me to look like I am being swallowed by the flowers. Bedazzled crocs, I don’t think so. Meow!
Swallowed by flowers! Ha!
And this is why I create my own “what’s in for Spring” for me….I usually hate whatever they’re showing…loved this though…
Thanks! And yes, spring seems particular bad for WTF fashion.
Thanks for the update. I wear mostly leggings now. But I do liked cropped pants, flowers not so much at my age.
Leggings are the new skinny jeans.
I have several thoughts (mostly horrified):
I think I had a jumper with that same Tory Burch print in 1982.
The chihuahua in the Target video looks horrified. As he should.
Upscale Crocs is an oxymoron.
(The open toed booties are the only trend I’m down with, even though it extends manicure season)
I have a fashion blogger friend who I just saw a picture of in open-toed booties and they looked amazing on her, but they were black shoes and her toes weren’t deformed little vienna sausages like mine.
I might be even a little more in love with you right now. I want to say that Target is dead to me for those hideous florals but I can’t quit Target. Target is my Bae but we aren’t speaking to each other right because of some terrible clothing choices.
And Crocs? Just no. (Coming from an early adopter of Crocs)
Crocs are super comfortable, I’ll give them that!
Flowers the size of dinner plates. DYING.
Florals just don’t work on me, though I’ve seen other plus-sized women who look amazing in the print.
Agree on all points. Kitten heels are the worst, for a short girl like me it’s like what is the point, they do nothing.
These are great picks. I usually stick with simple clothes and looks pretty much year round. I’m not exactly fashion forward, but I do love to see pretty things. LOL
I am excited that cropped pants are making a comeback. I will be sure to get a few pairs this year.
This is a funny one. I can always tell what’s “in” in a season by what everyone is wearing – whether it looks good or not!
Reading this post brought back memories I had as a child. I have two younger sisters and my mom always dressed us in identical attires making us look like the Von Trapp Family Singers. I also had my share of a floral print shirt when I was a young girl. The flower prints were too big I was just waiting for a bee to land on it.
I think cropped pants should be illegal. They are so unflattering! And those open toed boots? So ugly!
I have to admit, this is the first I have heard of upscale crocs. I am not really a fan of them, lol.
Thanks for sharing. I don’t wear florals because they don’t flatter my size at all.
I am all about comfort, but even I draw the line at Crocs, especially ones meant to look fancy. Looks like I’ll be sticking to my usual spring wardrobe of jeans, sundresses and sandals.
This is why I love fall… sweaters and jeans! Spring and summer… I feel like there are so few options for me, a petite gal with mom hips.
I am not a fan of the short pants. Not at all. I also dont like crocs. Upscale or not I agree, horrible fashions!
I love kitten heels! And I remember wearing culottes as a kid so much! Not a fan of the open-toed boots, either!
All of these things do not work for me. I have seen some women who have the cutest open toe booties and they look amazing in them. I am just laughing at the thought of wearing cropped floral pants with a kitten heel LMAO.
It does seem like us women have to always be concerned with fashion, especially for women working outside the home.
I do like some of these fashions though 🙂 .
Judging from what I have seen, I can’t disagree with you. Who could think that any of this looks good?
I am so excited about cropped pants!
What about the “cold shoulder” look? That’s the worst!
Got a good laugh out of your tongue-in-cheek comments on spring fashion. The only item I would disagree with you about is Kitten heels. Love them. Started wearing them a few years ago, at (of all people), my husband’s suggestion lol. At my age (mid-sixties), I am not about to risk breaking a hip or ankle falling off platform shoes or even worst stilettos, no matter how sexy they may look.
I’m a 66yo nurse. My feet are extremely picky. High heels are out completely (sciatica), crocs never-heel spurs. So I like kitten heels, but w/o the extremely pointed ties ?. I like capri’s that just cover my ugly knees. But those longer and wider crops are hideous–I’m 5’2″ and a pear to boot! Large flowers? I don’t like my clothes to arrive before I do! Guess I’ll be wearing old clothes! Won’t be the first time ?