Ask any woman about hosiery and she will have a strong opinion. Pantyhose are evil. Pantyhose provide a necessary service and are therefore good.
I bounce between the two opinions.
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| Just what a woman needs, no nonsense and smart support. |
On the side of “Evil”, they are binding around the middle and droopy between your legs. You can never be totally comfortable when you are wearing them.
It took me years to get used to the chafing of a bra, but I never fully adapted to pantyhose.
When you are in a hurry in the bathroom, good luck. You’ll spend five minutes wrestling with your hose like they are a baby boa constrictor.
In a worst case scenario, the back of your skirt will get caught in the waistband of your hose and you will expose your back end in public. And no one will tell you.
Not that that even happened. Nope, not ever. [soft whimper]
Less extreme, hose always snag, ladder or pop when you need them most. I soaked them in salt water and stored them in the freezer (to increase the tensile strength allegedly. Urban lady-legend, I say), but my thumb would still go through right before the big meeting with the CFO.
Truly natural colors were as hard to find as a kid at chore time and I had to wear the freakishly dark “suntan”.
I never had a suntan like that. More like a chemical burn. Could I get Slightly-Darker-Than-My-Normal-Albino, please? Moontan?
Before I was promoted to stay-at-home-mom, I had a job with an incredibly stringent dress code: no open-toed shoes, no blouses revealing skin more than a few inches below the collar-bone, and always, *always* the proper hosiery.
When I first “retired” I stopped wearing a watch, exchanging billable hours for sippy cups and nap time, and I got rid of all my pantyhose. Helpful Tip: don’t burn nylon in the fireplace. It smells bad.
I first sensed the demise of the covered leg in the late 90’s when I saw a picture of a still-sexy 60’s movie star at a red carpet event.
The photo caption described her as looking matronly because of her hose. “What is a 60-year-old woman supposed to do when she’s wearing a dress?” I wondered.
The Fashion Gods had spoken, and soon the bare-legged look you saw on stars in the California warmth migrated to even the dim and chilly corners of America.
I started to feel indignant on behalf of the new underdog, pantyhose. Pantyhose, for all their ills, served an important function.
Now I’m supposed to stuff my bare feet into heels and have nothing to protect me from the rub of my shoes?
And my feet get all sweaty when they are commando. Those little micro-socklets never stay on my feet and are worse than nothing. They pop off my heels and I wind up stuffing them in my purse.
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| They are called pop socks because they pop off your feet. |
After seeing the backs of other women’s knees at church, what else is a girl to do? One week I sat behind a trim, beautifully dressed woman in early middle age. From the pew behind her, all I could see was the map of spider veins, just like mine!
I had a Scarlett O’Hara moment.
As God is my witness, I would not exposed an innocent populace to my bare veiny, white legs ever again!
I adopted a new dress code with skirts–tights and boots. If it’s too warm for that, it’s pants city, sweetheart.
I loved the maxi dresses of the last few years. I can wear cute shoes and not expose my alabaster loveliness to the unsuspecting public. Only the tips of my pedicured toes have to show.
All other options stink.
Tanning–takes forever, increases my already high chance of skin cancer.
Tanning booths–the rocket sled to carcinoma.
Tanning spray–smells bad, lasts for mere days, turns me orange.
Professional spray tan–expensive, someone has to see me in paper panties.
I saw Gwyneth Paltrow on the Tonight Show last year (I was not stalking!) and her legs were so waxed and greased up I feared she’d slide right out of the chair and onto the carpet in front of Conan’s desk. How is this better, less effort, more attractive?
And the worst part, we were just about to achieve parity, ladies. Men could suffer too!
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| Mantyhose! |
I can’t wait to hear what you think. I know it’s a silly topic during hard times, but we have to laugh to keep from crying these days.
Palely yours,
Photo credits:
Pantyhose from here.
Pop Socks by auntiep
Scarlett O’Hara from here.
Gwyneth Paltrow from here.
Mantyhose from here.
I vote evil. Haven't worn them in so many years, I can't remember the last time. Ugh. Brings back bad memories. I did enjoy the laugh, though.
Mantyhose? OMGoodness!! So glad I'd finished my tea before I saw that! The practical part of me has to ask, do they have a fly? Because you know a man is not going to wrestle with a boa constrictor for 5 minutes in the bathroom. (Especially not in a public restroom!)
THEY ARE EVIL AND MUST BE DESTROYED!!!
I hate them with a passion that goes beyond telling!
I saw Gwyneth that night, and I thought the same thing. She looked like she'd been slathering on the baby oil and iodine mixture we used to baste in before subjecting ourselves to the broiling rays of the sun on the rooftop of my college dorm. In February.
Great post!!!
In high school, I loved the Carly Simon song that I thought at the time was about Warren Beatty. These days, the title has changed, for me, to "You're so Veined".
I haven't worn them since working outside the home in my previous life. They are EVIL!!!! Besides the reasons you gave (especially how they drag down b/w the legs-yuck) I can't stand that they get hung up on the little toenail nubbins and heaven forbid you forget to lotion your feet, they get stuck on the dry skin and just feel ewwwwww….I don't even want to talk about it anymore….ewwww…….
I like pantyhose. They give me the illusion of feeling toned without having to exercise.
Giggling about the mantyhose!!
I haven't worn them in ages…but I get frustrated when wearing dress shoes without them. My feet hurt, I get blisters, etc.
But I hate the super elastic waist that feels like it's trying to cut you in half, while the butt is sagging down to your knees.
And what about those icky heels that stretch out and you look down to realize that you put them on "backwards" — you have a bulge out the top of your foot at the ankle?! Ugh.
I have very mixed feelings about pantyhose. I hate having my spider veins exposed. BUT I also hate the itchy reality that is pantyhose. *shudder*
OH! …and the squeezy tight waistband that is ALWAYS 4 sizes smaller than the packaging claims. gahhh
If I tried to put on panyhose right now, there'd be lumps from the excessive leg hair…….. hubby's out of town, why shave??
That's my philosophy, Shari!
Robin, if only they made the waistband comfortable.
Wendy, that's what I miss, the smoothing and toning.
While pantyhose were fashionable, I hated them! Now, though, I really rather miss them.
Carrie, this is sort of how I feel. Necessary evil.
Thanks for the giggling…I needed that this morning. I liked the toned and ready feeling they gave me…I like the freedom of not wearing them…
Isn't there some in-between from my dry skin and shiny, greasy legs?
Now imagine YOUR husband in the mantyhose…can't.
fern
Okay, I am 45 and I wear hose with skirts, at least in the winter with closed-toe shoes.
I bare the barely-there color – not trying to add fake tan, but just enough to smooth and polish a bit. With sandals (assuming it is SUMMER if I am wearing sandals!) I don't wear them of course, but I usually have at least a (very) slight tan then.
I think bare white legs, in close toe shoes, are "unfinished" looking, and no matter how fancy someone may be dressed, all I can think is "toe jam".
Nota, if you are having that much trouble getting your hose on…you may need to consider that you are not wearing the right size – sorry! I know of what I speak, from experience.
That is is supposed to say "I WEAR the barely-there color"
Need more coffee
Paula, I agree about closed-toed shoes and a dressy skirt looking unfinished without having something on the leg.
I suspect it's a preference based on what we've become used to over our lives and that younger women have become used to something else.
And there's *never* enough coffee!
Snort – mantyhose. GROSS!!!!
Actually your description of getting into the pantyhose reminds me of trying to get into my SPANX. Which speaking of those lovely things…that helps with the reigning in of the chaos in certain areas without the leg itch.
With all the Twilight craze going on I'm hearing that the 'white look' is in. Whew. I'll be fine this summer. 'Till then it's too stinkin' cold to worry about showing my legs.
Faith, I hope the Twilight look stays in fashion forever!
It was a blessed day when my boys had their first crap on the potty.
Honestly, I have no opinion on the hose. I'll say that my wife looks good in them and better with them off. So I guess I vote no hose.
I think of us who complain about the discomfort (and short lifespan) of their pantyhose are wearing too small a size. When they are overstretched they ladder easier, bind more, and sag in the crotch. Thick, cheap pantyhose look matronly, but my 8 denier Italian ultra-sheers are sexy!
I cannot stand pantyhose, but cannot live without my spanx.
I am with you, in the winter it's tights and boots. Summertime is long skirts and maxi dresses…
with spanx underneath for the support!
I could have written this post! Only it wouldn't have been nearly as cute or funny. Panty hose went out my 4th grade year, so I've never worried about not wearing any, I didn't know any better… BUT NOW?! I'd wear hose with my shorts if I could only find the right color…
I have only worn hose ONCE in the past 10 years of so – – – to my daughter's wedding, and I was MISERABLE in them.
You hit on all the salient horriblness of ph.
Now I wear pants all winter and long skirts so only my ankles show in the summer.
I was just feeling a bit of nostalgia for my career when I read your blog. Thanks for reminding me of yet another good reason to be home with my daughter.
I wear them and love them. I cut the waistband in 4 places and zigzag. They never sag, slip down, or dig in. They keep my legs warm and add support.