I’m pretty sure I am not autistic (although I have taken some Asperger’s self-diagnostic Internet quizzes that make me wonder). I am a victim of very rigid thinking.
Things were painfully black and white to me as a child. I loved rules and etiquette because it helped me know how to act around other people. What was frustrating was when other people didn’t follow the rules.
I could not wait to be a grown up. Grown ups must know and follow all the rules, so then things would be easy.
Imagine my disappointment.
I was just reading an article today suggesting Supermarket Rules. Good luck with that, hon.
For every official rule, a third won’t know it, a third will flout it because You Can’t Tell Them What To Do, and a third will stew in righteous indignation because the other two-thirds AREN’T FOLLOWING THE RULES.
I think having kids and being completely overwhelmed by motherhood helped make my black and white thinking a little more gray.
I had two exhausted and poorly behaved toddlers and a cart full of groceries at the check-out aisle of an unfamiliar store.
I was perplexed by the angry stares of those behind me until I noticed it. The sign that said “12 Items or Fewer”. (Yes, a grammatically correct sign. I’m surprised I didn’t see it.)
I was stuck. The clerk could have helped me out early on by asking if I knew what lane I was in, but I’m sure she was used to as many people just not caring.
I did the only thing I could do—I cried.
The people in line behind me became much more understanding. I hadn’t broken Rule Number 5, I was just a near-sighted, harried mother in an unfamiliar store. I bless them for their kindness, when really I could damn them for not giving me the benefit of the doubt.
I continue to get my own lessons in why I need to give people the benefit of the doubt instead of seething at them in my head, ruining MY day and affecting them not at all.
In July, my husband and I took our kids to a Richmond Flying Squirrels baseball game (motto: Go Nuts!).
When the time came for the National Anthem, we stood and placed our hands over our hearts and sang.
A large group of youths in the rows in front of us stood and did nothing. A few turned around and stared at me as I sang. I was very irritated.
This is the South, son. Your mama raised you better than that. I gave them such a look!
After the anthem, we sat and I whispered hot, angry words in my husband’s ear. “Can you believe it!” I would have hissed it, but there were no S-sounds in my hot, angry words.
A few minutes later I realized…the kids were French.
Le duh. Je suis un idiot.
I should have know. They were all casually, but immaculately dressed. No tattoos. Great haircuts. Strange shoes. All fit and slender. Practically under a billboard for “Not American”.
It was an excellent reminder for me.
You never know why that moron just sped past you on the Interstate. We did that when I was in labor.
You never know why that car didn’t stop at the cross walk. We did that on the drive to my brother’s funeral.
You never know why that lady’s kids are being brats. Mine have been, plenty, and for all different reasons that have nothing to do with my parenting skills.
So, please be kind to that next idiot who breaks a rule that is your pet peeve.
It very well could be me.
I promise to do the same for you.
Big congratulations to my Missoni large tote giveaway winner, Amy J.! Amy, I promise to get this in the mail to you as soon as possible.
Great post Anne! The “12 items or fewer” brought back some memories from when my children were younger.
This was also one of my fav’s:
“You never know why that moron just sped past you on the Interstate. We did that when I was in labor.” (same here :))
Excellent reminders for sure!
Thanks, Kelli. We had the pedal down. For my last one, I only pushed for fifteen minutes.
So glad she wasn’t born in a Subaru Impreza.
What a fantastic, awesome, fabulous post. So true.
I remember bursting out in tears in front of a grocery clerk the first time I dragged myself out of the house after my daughter’s birth. I went around the store (60 stitches holding me together), got what I needed and…realised I’d left my wallet at home.
Admittedly, I’m more than a bit jealous of the speeding as your kiddo was making their grand entrance. We were three days of labour and finally a vaccuum.
Was it a Dyson?
Oh, you and your poor stitches. Gentle hugs to you.
Don’t be too jealous. The post-partum depression has lasted ten years. 😉
Not a dyson but maybe that would have worked better.
I think they used salad tongs on my first one.
Terrific post!!
Yep, definitely sped through town after littlest had her eye injury in April. And my crew have had more than their share of meltdowns while out and about.
Thanks, TaMara!
I don’t think there are many moms who haven’t had a kid melt down on them in public.
What a GREAT post!
A little grace…a little mercy…what does it cost us to attribute the very best of motives to someone?
We certainly desire mercy for our OWN sorry selves.
Me, more than most. I’m really very judgmental on certain things, especially “right” and “wrong” things.
Thank you for bravely sharing your vulnerability and imperfection with strangers, for bringing us all back to compassion, and for reminding us of the value in such endeavors. Nicely done!
Thank you, Annie, I really appreciate it.
Girl we so much alike! I am a rule follower except when I am too tired to notice;). Grace is so needed for us and everyone!
I think why many of us don’t initially extend grace is because so many knowingly flout the rules! I was at choir and a mom was yelling right out side a music room where a kid was having a lesson. I mentioned it to her and she rolled her eyes. We all make oversites but the idea of not caring. I don’t understand that.
Yes! If someone cuts me off in traffic, but then gives me that little “I’m sorry” move, I’m cool with it.
It’s the not caring that makes it so hard to be grace-extenders. Still, I’m supposed to give them 489 more chances.
Love this post. I found a nice quote a couple of years ago and it resonated with me “Be kinder than necessary. Everyone is fighting some kind of battle.” Good reminders from you today.
Thanks. Yes, I like that quote.
Oh, what a good reminder. How often I judge (aloud) prior to investigation – only to look like a fool later.
You probably saved me at least one embarrassing moment in the next 24 hours and for that, I thank you.
A lady ran a stop sign at the Trader Joe’s in Short Pump today and almost t-boned my car.
My little girls said “What an idiot!”
It was a good opportunity to talk to her about this very thing.
LOVE this!! LOVE!!!!
Oh, thank you, Shari!
Things I love in this post:
*12 Items or Fewer
*Go Nuts!
*Your social media links in your header (I’m always super in love with people who can do crazy coding I can only dream of.)
*Everything else
Thanks. I like grammar (rules), but make my share of mistakes.
I hate to let you down, but the sm links were coded into my theme. I did make them father apart. I was trying to make them bigger. 🙂
Thanks for the compliment. It’ nice to hear things that are usually only in my spam filter.
You had me a “Go Nuts”
seriously, I have no patience, an anxiety disorder, and I react more than I should. I know I’m an example to my 3 girls. They may say and act like I’m the biggest goober walking but I know they watch and listen to me.
Yesterday a man that had to be 123 years old pulled out in front of me and my teenage daughter on the way home from cheer practice. Usually I throw a hand up or say something in exasperation wehn I’m alone. I did and said nothing. My 15 yr old looks at me and says “wow, you’re getting so much better.”
good post ma’am
Thanks, Lance. And you bring up a good reason to be nice in the car. The kids are really, really paying attention.
Once in a while I realize I annoyed someone by breaking a “rule” – sometimes I even know which rule it was! I bet most of the time I annoy others, I don’t even realize it so they’re the only ones suffering from my civil disobedience. How sad for them.
Then you are the “don’t know the rule” third, the most deserving of grace.
For what it’s worth I think you have excellent social skills as far as I’m concerned.
LOVE your post. and I LOVE that Missoni bag giveaway bit, too!!! You ROCK.
One time this spring I was behind a man with some kind of disability- his communication ability was nil to most everyone. But it was a Sav-A-Lot, which is famous for having one very slow checkout line. People behind me were not thrilled with how slow the man was— and then he didn’t have enough money for his purchase of chips and soda (I SO hope he was getting a real meal somewhere). The register clerk was struggling to get him to understand it wasn’t enough money- so I finally spoke up, “How much is he short? Can you just put it on my order?” He smiled and moved the guy on, started ringing up his stuff, and about 3 people all seemed to doxologize simultaneously, “Bless you.” Then the security guy stopped me at the door and told me it was a real Christian thing I’d done there, and he wanted to share in half the cost to me- and handed me three quarters. I smiled and assured him it wasn’t necessary, but he waved me on.
There really ARE lots of nice people in the world. I was really only paying it back, because back when I was in the postpartum throes I came up short at least once, and the guy behind in me in line paid MY way.
Life is so nice on the days that people exhibit mercy and grace.
It;s worse when it’s me being the one lacking in forgiveness.
The offender forgets in minutes, but I ruin my own day being steamed.
I LOVE this post!
You are seriously such a great writer! 🙂
I’m a very patient and careless..no calm person when it comes to things that happen, and first to think “you never know what that person is going through..”and last to judge.. lol I annoy pple in my life with that attitude!
I think that’s a great attitude!
Awesome post! I have had my share of experiences like this with the express lane–and let’s not even mention the touch screen self-checkout! You are right: having kids definitely makes clear-cut thinking extremely scrambled and fuzzy!
Kids are the best excuse for everything!
They are definitely to blame for my butt being so big. Yup, not my doing at all.
Absolutely love this post. Made me laugh. Made me think. I’m so very quick to be frustrated at others idiocy that I fail to see my own. I don’t like that and want to be different.
Thanks for the nudge, Nota!
I’m working on the person in the mirror too. I don’t want to be an annoyed person.
Grace. We all want it, but so rarely want to give it. I’m the one who doesn’t think the rules have much to do with me except when it comes to standing in lines. I’m very picky about standing in lines and never take cuts. But I know my rule-eschewing is annoying so I also try to rein than in. I really do.
LOL, sometimes the rule-eschewing can be a good thing.
I really needed to hear this today, Anne. Thanks!
Thanks for commenting, Kat!
I wonder where your picture went.
Good post!
Thanks, ma’am!
Good reminder. I need to remember to have more patience – especially since I could use it so often. Here from the Sunday Best linkup.
Nice to meet you, Sandra. Your Leo is a-dor-able!
Yes, yes, yes! This is so important and yet, so darn hard. Why is it much easier to get all wrapped up in someone else’s rule-breaking than to offer them a kind word of understanding? That drives me crazy, and I do it as much as anyone. Thanks for a great reminder.
I think it’s a normal human reaction to judge the actions of others from our own point of view. It’s takes the best we have in us to get past that instinct.
Excellent post. Could not have wrapped it up better. 🙂
Thanks, Debbie. I have to remind myself every day that people aren’t trying to annoy me on purpose.
Lovely post! Those “Twelve Items or Less” signs drive grammar-obsessed me so crazy that I don’t go to that line even if I’m buying only one item so. . .you can have my spot.
I love this post. I regularly try to remind myself that I don’t know why a person is behaving the way they do if they are stranger. Who knows what happened to them that morning or that week? Kindness should always be our first play in the game.
I LOVE that you cried- I always tell my mom I wish I was a crier because you can get away with anything if you cry!!!
I would have felt so terrible if i saw you cry- helped you with the kids, pack your groceries & help you out to the car- with one of your kids on my hip!!
Maybe i should carry tears in my bag??? Hmmmmmm!!!!
I am pretty sure you might be my new favorite blogger. I could possibly start to stalk you. Hope that will be okay and not at all scary or weird! 😉 Seriously, this is fantastic.
Happy, happy, happy SITS day! 🙂
Ah, lady, you speak the truth! I tend to be a rule follower as well and get so angry when others don’t follow suit. But I have broken rules as well for a myriad of reasons that aren’t just “hey, I didn’t feel like following it” so I need to be more understanding. Happy SITS day! So happy for you!
Love this post! I agree….I try to remember this when I am on the road daily in southern California (honesty, if you have ever driven the freeways here, you will know what I mean). And I am such a rule folllwer 🙂 Happy SITS Day!
If I promise to be kind to everyone else, can I still get mad at the parents who let their kids run up and down the aisles at my daughter’s band concert? Or the teens talking loudly right next to me as I try to videotape my other daughter’s school play? Please?
Wow, my thinking is so like yours in so many ways (except you write way better.) I love these reminders–thanks. (I need to stop saying people should be kind, and be more kind myself.) Stopped by from SITS and will be back. P.S. My dad, who was Asperger’s personified, long before we knew there was such a thing, used to say “Most people are stupid.” Sometimes I say that when I’m feeling bitter. I need to stop feeling so bitter! Great blog.
Imagine people’s surprise when they hear my name and expect to see a tall, slender, French girl, only to be met with a swarthy, chinky-eyed Asian? Hahaha.
I’ve had more than my share of “duh” moments. They are usually self-inflicted either because (1) I am innately naive, or (2) I talk faster than I think.
Love this post!
After the day (and week) from hell, I read this and went “Gee Aly – you are being a WENCH!” Thank you for the stiletto upside the head and I pinky swear to be nicer to the stupidity that has been surrounding me lately 🙂
Happy SITS Day!!!!
You cried?? Man. I think I would have turned 20 shades of red but I’m hard pressed to believe I’d cry over being in the wrong lane. Probably I’d sigh and apologize to the checkout person if they’d already started or move out of line if they hadn’t In shaaaaaaaaaaaaaame. I admit I scowl at people who take tons of crap in line. One or two over? No biggie. 20 over? WTF? 😉
Pretty much a perfect philosophy. I totally agree.
Great post! I have started taking that kind of thinking to heart already – although maybe not in regards to people being stupid. You never know what kind of day someone is having, or what they have been through that morning – so it is okay for them to not be the friendliest, nicest, smartest, etc. Everyone has a story, and I try very hard to remember that! Thanks for the reminder! Happy SITS day to you!!
Anne, glad I read this because it was one of those days where everyone I spoke too or encountered today worked my nerves. I love your writing.
This was heartwarming…I am quick to judge sometimes and I have to stop myself and be patient. I was in line the other day and this guy was screaming at an older couple because of their 12 item lack..I realized what a miserable person this guy must be to go off on something so silly. All great points, thank you for sharing….
happy sits day!
Thanks for that reminder Anne, I like all your post their all so fun to read,..Happy SITS day!.. You just got yourself a new follower too…
Happy SITS day! And I have given up on getting frustrated with stupids – it just makes me laugh now. Life can be pretty darn funny when you look at it in such a way!
Good on ya!!!
In from SITS.
Yes, please forgive me when I am speeding– I probably have to pee, and after squeezing out a couple a chilluns my pelvic floor is somewhat um… compromised. You get it. 🙂
Great post!
Great post! You never know how someone else’s day has been. I always try to be nice unless there is a good reason not to.
FINALLY – someone get’s it!!!
First off, bravo for the tears. It’s important to just let life in sometimes and feel the effects. It feels good and it reminds people that we’re all human.
Second off, I have been working hard to give people a break. I don’t drive with a friend (we’ll meet there), because she swears at everyone on the road, they’re all idiots. I don’t understand why people speak really loudly on the phone on public transportation (like the person is right now as I type), but maybe his wife is hard at hearing. And I don’t get it when people assume the absolute worst about strangers. Wouldn’t it humiliating if I had “confronted” you in that grammatically correct line only to have you burst into tears and speak to me in a foreign language – yikes!
Be kind!
Kimberly