If you think about it, it’s stupid to have pets. If I brought some random animal inside your house, you’d freak out.
My cat brought in a chipmunk and I screamed like Wilhem
and jumped on a chair.
But, I was screaming at the victim and not the perpetrator. I should have been screaming at the cat.
“Agh! You brought a spit-covered rodent into my kitchen! And later you expect me to feed you Kitteh Bites and scratch your belly!”
I’ve divorced a man for less.
My Top Ten Reasons Why It’s Stupid To Have Pets:
1. Drool. Random puddles of drool. On the floor. When you are barefoot.
2. Wholesale destruction personal property. Underpants are like dog-Pringles. And the more expensive they are, the more tasty, so it seems.
3. You’d make your kid use hand sanitizer if they touch a doorknob, but you let your dog lick your face after it’s eaten out of the cat box.
We call the cat box “The Chihuahua Buffet”.
4. Light hair on your dark clothes and dark hair on your light clothes. It never goes the other way around.
I have one light cat and one dark cat, so I’m covered. Literally.
5. Random piles of hairball puke on your hardwood floors. Do you know what feline stomach acid does to hardwood?
6. You say the vet budget is 99 cents because that’s how much a bullet costs, but really you spend $150 on a midnight trip to the small-animal vet and a couple of thou’ on a quadruple hip replacement.
I wouldn’t pay for a quadruple hip replacement for my own mother.
7. Poop. I wouldn’t pick up my husband’s poop, but I’ll clean it up twice a day for fourteen years for a dog, and the dog doesn’t even remember my birthday.
8. The chance of ungrateful, random attacks. A kitty won’t use her words if she’s scared.
She’ll just scratch, bite and claw her way out of your arms, even if she is your “fur baby”. 
9. Sex offenders moving into a new neighborhood get better treatment than you will get at playgroup when you tell them you declawed your cat.
But the couch is leather! Cats free for the taking, but that couch is Pottery Barn!
10. They make you love them and miss them forever when they go. Rest in peace, George, you stupid hairball machine. I love you.
EDITED AFTER THE EARTHQUAKE:
11. They will *not* warn you about an impending earthquake. Instead they will be lounging next to you on the couch licking their privates while the lamps are shaking. NO HELP AT ALL!
If I’ve amused you, please click a button or two below to share on Facebook, Twitter or to Stumble this.
So true about the animals/pets. And the Wilhelm scream….I laugh every time I watch that!
It’s funny every time. I had to work it in some way.
Wholesale destruction of personal property:
That’s my #1 reason for not having kids.
😀
Except I have them.
Oh, well.
They’re so cute on Christmas morning…
At least the dog didn’t give me stretch marks.
You are funny. My husband WILL divorce me if I bring home another pet!
I said that Saturday when we saw they had pet adoptions at the PetSmart.
I’d love a baby kitty, but it would be so stupid! One more thing that poops–no thank you.
I figure that right now I have a husband, an 18 month old and an 89 year old father-in-law to destroy things and make messes. Anything else that comes in alive to this house-I’m making no guarantees for its longevity.
I would have more pets if they would just use the toilet.
And flush after.
Yeah, there are enough ‘things’ here that don’t do that yet.
Someday, friend! Don’t stop believing!
Oh my gosh, this is hilarious. I try not to be an animal hater but I have allergies and so most animals cause me terrible fits of wheezing and misery several days after an encounter. Dogs are the better of the breed if you ask me. Cats practically kill me. I have opted out of going to people’s homes because they have cats because I don’t want to wheeze the next 2 days from it. And they look at me like I’m evil for that. Let me see?? My health being good or visiting fur ball for an hour and having 2 days of asthma?
Anyway this post is hilarious. We do have birds. I hate them.
My husband has some cat allergies, but we have two cats anyway. See what a good guy he is?
He has shots that helped and we keep the cats downstairs, but he is still a saint.
He doesn’t have respiratory problems like you do. That would be a deal-killer.
I think birds are creepy. The eyes. The beaks. I blame Hitchcock.
So true. My Yellow Lab drove me crazy with all of his antics and naughty ways and when he died I really, really grieved.
All my pets are very old. I am mentally preparing myself.
HILARIOUS. If I didn’t love my dog so much, I’d hate her.
I think the feeling is mutual here.
My dog looks all passive, but I think if I dropped dead she’d snack on me.
I’m not having dogs when I’m old.
Might want to avoid cats too. Saw an episode of CSI eww.
I stopper watching CSI after the Furries. Gah!
I’m still chuckling. 😀
🙂
Despite always wanting a dog as I grew up and definitely not being a cat person …. We have a cat (called George), or at least he tolerates us 🙂
We like to think our cats are clean, but actually they just cover themselves continually in spit.
Fortunately our cat doesnt bring home any gifts – furry or feathery – or that might be the end of our beautiful friendship!
A cat who doesn’t kill things… Must be those fine European manners.
All best cats are named George.
My dog is smarter than your pest (typo but I like it) because she DID warn me about the earthquake. Otherwise I am with you 100%
What did she do? I’m assuming she wasn’t grooming herself.
She kept poking me with her nose then doing circles in true Lassie style. Except I didn’t get it until after the earthquake and kept telling her to go away. Oops.
Thanks for reminding me why I only have kids!
So I’m guessing you survived your earthquake with no damage.
Stay strong! Kids will make their eyes real big and say “pleeeeeeease?” until you give in.
Yep, we are fine. It was more like we rolling rather that twisting. It was only so scary because I thought it was a bomb or an airplane crash at first.
Since we just had the quake yesterday, the last one really made me laugh!
My daughter has 3 cats and the hair, oh the hair…you’re not kidding! It’s the only thing I don’t like about visiting her!
I think those hairless cats are creepy, but I see why people have them.
They are so worth it though! I have two cats and a dog and I wouldn’t trade them for anything!